today makes nine months since Dad left.
someone once told me that maybe i shouldn’t try to remember the ‘anniversaries’ because it could be more painful.
i don’t think i can really help myself.
this has certainly been the scariest, most exhilarating nine months of my life. scary because of all of the things i’ve had to go alone, exhilarating because it’s been an adventure.
sometimes not a good one, but still an adventure.
there are too many things to name that have freaked me out since he died. i feel responsible for my families safety. i feel almost aggressively protective of them. i’m afraid they’ll get hurt by people’s actions or words.
trusting God to keep his eye on them has been difficult, to say the least.
another part of my life that, if i focus on it too much, will give me a mild panic-attack- is the book i’m writing.
i’m almost finished with it.
i set this ridiculous goal of a certain amount of words, and i’m only 4,000 from meeting it. i’ll be typing the last sentence before i know it, and then what? there are hundreds of steps to take when it’s completed.
scares me so much.
i’ve gone and done it now. i’ve said for so many years that i would finish writing a book. and here it is, pounding on the front door. i can’t really try to hide from it, it’s too late at this point.
it has been nine months of tripping around a dark room, feeling for the light switch.
i counted on my Father for so much more than i realized while he was alive.
i remember the bits of advice that he would give me on men. i remember how he felt that no guy was good enough for any of his daughters.
well, Dad, i can’t seem to avoid any of them. they just show up. most of the time, un-invited.
when it comes to men- i am apparently blind, deaf, and stupid.
i attract (and am attracted to) the one’s wearing invisible sandwich-board signs that say, “i’m a jerk”.
and i’m learning to surrender. i’m learning, so… so… slowly, to let go of what i think i need. sometimes i’m gripping the ‘idea’ of something so tightly, that my knuckles are white.
God is prying my fingers loose.
i know that once i drop what i’m holding, my hands will be empty to receive what he has for me- which is what i really need.
these are the things i wish i could tell my Dad. i can see him, in my mind’s eye, nodding and saying, “good. that’s good. praise God.”
and always …always that little chuckle he would give when anyone said something positive to him.
you know it’s really beautiful to be alive.
if you stop for just fourteen seconds, or maybe even a whole fifteen- it’s the weirdest, most gorgeous thing that we are even breathing right now.
it has been a scary nine months.
on october 21, 2011- i think i imaged that i’d been shipwrecked, and i thought i would never get off the island. i was stuck. i was alone.
but it turns out i was never stuck, nor have i ever been alone.
it appears that i’ve pushed away from the shore.
thank you for reading. have a beautiful weekend. if you need me, i’m on twitter- more often than what is normal.
oh how painfully poignant. beautiful words. just beautiful
thank you, that’s very kind. thanks for taking a minute to read.
May the Holy Ghost continue consoling and comforting you, Katie. This part has really touched my heart: “you know it’s really beautiful to be alive. if you stop for just fourteen seconds, or maybe even a whole fifteen- it’s the weirdest, most gorgeous thing that we are even breathing right now.” You write awesomely! I’m sure you’re book will turn out great! I’m here if you need anyone to talk to. <3
this is such a sweet comment! thank you so much. means a great deal to me.
I am awed by the strength you have to keep going Katie. I’m almost crying right now after reading this post. I just keep thinking that I know I couldn’t be as strong as you if I were put in your situation. Family means so much to me and I don’t know how I’d get along if I ever lost anyone of them. I praise you for relying on God’s strength too. You’re setting an example and being a leader for those who need to be reminded to look to Him. Thanks
thank you, amanda (: your encouragement means a lot!
Lovely! Your Dad is surely watching and smiling! And only 4k words away from a finished book – that makes me jealous and so happy for you! Congratulations!
can hardly believe it. overwhelming amount of work! (as you are already aware of) thank you for reading and sharing some kind words. (:
I was digging the pseudo-Kierkegaardian titular reference (I actually took his Fear and Trembling to the beach with me and read some while my mom ran through the pages of 50 Shades of Grey)…
…but like A-Fang said, this was powerful. I’m not sure how anyone who reads this would be able to avoid reading your book once it comes out. It sounds like it will be emotional, uplifting and encouraging, and I hope that your words and your story can give inspiration to all who read it.
As for guys, you are on your own. It is a fact that all men under 25, most under 30, and the majority under 40 suck and wear invisible sandwich boards.
thank you, A.M. ….so you’re saying i should only be looking for men over 40? wow… this sucks.
I’m saying men over forty are less inclined to be compulsive, impulsive, pig-headed, egotistic, selfish, misguided, money-driven turds.
If you remove the words “over,” “less” and “forty,” I am confident that is a true statement.
you should really be writing more comedic stuff, these comments you post are SO funny. haha
I will make a comedy website and post jokes.
Maybe.
Probably not