i haven’t been paying attention. for so much of life. i’ve missed these huge chunks of it that i can’t get back.

sometimes i find myself missing my dad and i fight to remember the best memories of him. i remember his cracked, dry hands and the soft way he touched everything. i remember how he never had his eyes opened when he was holding a guitar, you placed it in his lap and he closed them immediately.

today i was standing in a store, scanning the horizon for my sister, and i saw a flash of her perfect head of hair and my heart swelled. there she is, my baby sister. how many times have i seen my sisters and missed the heart swell because my mind was somewhere else.

everything is very fragile. it’s like playing that horrible game where you have to run while carrying an egg in a spoon.

i hate that game.

but isn’t that exactly what life is, learning to appreciate delicate and complicated things. learning to balance what matters to you because you know at any moment it could fall and break forever.

i’m sorry that i’ve just now started paying attention.

that i’ve only just begun to wake up and feel the calm, quiet of my house wrap me up like a blanket. that i’ve only recently noticed that my eyes crinkle around the corners exactly like my mothers do.

that it’s taken me this many years to become comfortable with barely any makeup, not brushing my hair, and embracing the fact that i’ll never be able to afford any type of surgery that will give me longer legs.

that i’m just now realizing how uncomfortable i am around people with a sense of entitlement. and how much i prefer to be around the ones who would rather pour you a cup of coffee than have their own mug filled.

it’s almost incredible how many years you can spend in a fog without having a clue that you’re even in one.

the fog comes disguised as ‘i’m trying to fit in’ or ‘i’m trying to find myself’, when all along you would probably be fine fitting in if you realized that you don’t actually have to find you- you’re right there. and i’m right here. all of the steps i’ve taken to be me, i’ve complicated the whole thing by not paying attention.

all i have to do is pay attention.

“i’m here to be me, which is taking a great deal longer than i’d hoped.” – anne lamott